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The "Truth" Behind the J.Lo/Ben.Lo Breakup
"They Became Bored."
By the time this article prints, J.Lo and Ben.Lo could well be back together. But for now, their planned Sept. 14 wedding is ancient history, and the two have parted ways faster than Britney Spears eats a donut.
But leave it to E-Crap to uncover the real truth about the breakup. The reason can be summed up with one word – boredom.
Simply put, the super-couple ran out of things to buy and people to employ, which led to extreme boredom. "We’re cerebral," Affleck was overheard saying to a close friend, "and our obsession with owning everything in the world put a strain on our intellectual relationship – which has always been the most important part of the relationship to us both."
A little E-Crap investigating found some interesting tidbits. The couple’s primary sanitation engineer, Devon Wilder, noted that in the weeks leading up to the separation, their trash piles were overflowing into other neighborhoods. "It was crazy," screamed Wilder. "I mean, they were throwing out brand new Jaguars! Piled up! I think they became bored! And that ain’t nothing. Forget about the Rolex watches and the diamond-studded toilet seats… they threw out an entire freaking house!"
Boredom may have ultimately led to the J.Lo/Ben.Lo buying/discarding binge. According to Elise Cantaitonio, J.Lo’s personal Hair Clip Monitor, J.Lo often sat for hours, mulling over hair clips and ribbons, no longer enjoying the satisfaction she used to receive from owning every possible excess while some of her "homies" go hungry. "She’s ma girl, but lately she ain’t been the same," said Cantaitonio. "It started when she fired the girl who puts on her underarm deodorant. That left her personal grooming staff in shambles. Used to be a thousand people working on ma girl, now all of the sudden it’s down to 680. That would depress anyone. Ma girl J.Lo needs more than that! Like Ben always says, his princess deserves the best of everything."
According to the International Pampering Fund (IPM), the estimate of J.Lo’s personal grooming employees may have been low. The 2002 Pampering Census showed 2,378 people employed full-time just to work on J.Lo’s appearance and clothes. Included among the staff were 18 people paid to follow behind her to wipe the dirt off her shoes as she stepped. Also, several chair wipers to wipe, sanitize, and dry any seat J.Lo sits on, and more than 30 "windchangers," people who walk in front of and to her side, who attempt to change the direction of the wind to spare her hair from unnecessary trauma.
A quick check with the Cash Register Association of America (CRAA) found that collectively, the two spent more than the combined Gross National Product (GNP) of 37 different countries in August alone, in a last ditch effort to rekindle the passion and extravagance they once shared. "I guess it didn’t help them," lamented Wilder, "but it sure helped me." Wilder smiled, flashing a smile worthy of a former sanitation engineer now living in Hollywood Hills, as he drove off in his new XJ6.
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