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Paris Hilton Garners "Abstinence" Award
In a landslide vote, Paris Hilton beat all challengers, including heavy (literally) favorite Rosie O’Donnell to win the SIS (Sexuality In Schools) Abstinence Award. The award was conceived to give school-age virgins a yearly role model, someone they can look up to and say "because of him or her, I’m going to remain a virgin," said SIS co-founder Fritz Weaver.
While a relative latecomer to the 2004 ballot, Paris Hilton won because of her recently released sex video shot by Shannen Doherty’s former husband, showing the two having sex. The widespread, perhaps illegal, release of the video has caused Hilton, an heir to the Hilton Hotel fortune and party girl, to go into seclusion. It is hoped that winning this prestigious award will take away some of the sting brought about by the video.
"Does she realize how many teenagers she’s going to help?" asked 17-year-old Buck Bravanza, a 12th grader at La Pavona High School. "Watching her have sex made me appreciate my hand a lot more." Similar sentiments were echoed throughout the school. According to 16-year-old Phyllis Simon, "not only did it make me swear off sex, but I now go to the gym every day to make my ass a lot more shapely. As bad as it is to be filmed having sex on camera, it would be that much more so to be seen by an entire nation with a flat ass!"
Although most students agreed that Paris Hilton was the best choice for the award, there remained differences for what moment in the video was most responsible for their sudden lack of interest in sex. For 16-year-old Marlene Studdabegger, it was obvious. "It was the whole cell phone thing," commented Studdabegger. "I mean, I can answer my cell phone anytime I want, and I don’t need to have sex to do that!" Frank Feeled, 18, agreed. "If I was having sex and my girl’s cell phone rang, no way she’s answering it, you know. No freaking way. Next time I have sex, the phones get turned off."
Along with Rosie O’Donnell, who was nominated for obvious reasons, the list of people Paris Hilton beat out for the award included pop-princess Pink ("absolutely zero percent attractiveness quotient" according to Weaver), Tommy Lee ("He’s screwing Pink these days. After Pam Anderson, Heather Locklear, and whoever else, he chooses Pink?"), and another pop-princess and reality TV star Jessica Simpson ("The fear of reproducing, and ending up with a daughter that stupid").
Paris Hilton is expected to receive her award in early January, at a White House gathering. No mention of whether former President Bill Clinton would be present.
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