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More Satire
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Hose, Not
Ho's
(New York,
NY – April 14, 2007)
In a
shocking turn of developments, E-Crap has learned that the
racial slurs which caused longtime fossil and radio
personality Don Imus to lose his job was merely a
misunderstanding, and a promotional idea gone awry. Today,
Imus announced he was opening a countrywide chain of
hardware stores, aimed at today’s youth market.
The first
“Nappy Head Hardware Store” will open in Brooklyn, NY in
May 2007, with several others to follow this year in Los
Angeles, Chicago, and Omaha.
“When I
said ‘Nappy Headed Hose’ people heard “Nappy Headed
Ho’s’” explained the 96-year-old radio (un)shock jock.
“I jumped the gun. I was so anxious to start promoting my
new chain that I forgot nobody even knew I was doing it.
With summer coming, we expect our garden hose to be our best
seller – it’s made from organic and natural fibers
direct off my cancer ranch, not like the other cheap hose
out there.”
Why
hardware?
“I’m a
good person, and my pimp-hand is in the right place,” said
Imus. “We have a country of misguided youth. I needed to
do something good for the youth of today and the leaders of
tomorrow. I asked hundreds of my closest associates what
they felt was the one thing missing from today’s youth.
Sure, some of them said clichéd answers like religion,
abstinence, a decent President, discipline, more fiber in
their diets, valium… but one answer kept being repeated,
one word kept being uttered. Hardware.” When asked to
elaborate, Imus continued “Remember Fonzie from ‘Happy
Days.’ He was a troubled youth and kept getting into
fights. He wanted to hit everyone, so he went to a shrink.
What did the shrink tell him to do? Take pills? Talk to his
parents? Go to church? Of course not – he told the Fonz to
build birdhouses! It was freaking obvious, as it is now –
hardware!”
To make the
stores more attractive to today’s youth market, Imus has
signed sponsorships with some of youth’s greatest heroes
over the past few decades.”
“Nappy
Head is going to have true street cred” continued Imus.
“We’re going to be selling fully licensed ‘M.C
Hammers,’ ’50-Cent Screws,’ ‘Sharp-ton Scissors,’
‘Vanilla Ice Scrapers’… but our flagship item is going
to be our Nappy Head Hose.”
Imus did
not comment when asked why a store would be opening in
Omaha, which did not seem to fit the marketing strategy.
Instead, he asked everyone to support his vision –
“Remember, black, white, yellow hose. It don’t matter.
The only hose that matters is Nappy Head hose.”
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