The Ultimate Embarrassment?

(This CLASSIC SEX CRAP column first appeared @ E-Crap on 5/21/2002)

After a slow January, the rest of 2002 (so far, anyway), has been rather sexually rewarding for me. I have felt a lot more open about my sexuality, and have even had a couple of serious flirtations with women. I also believe my continued sexual liberations have helped to add an edge to my Sex Crap column. Of course, every so often, something happens that can make even the most sexually liberated man or woman question more than just their sexuality.

Several weeks ago, I was partaking in a semi-romantic night of lovemaking (alright, it was just sex but I thought I'd try to class the column a bit). I use the term "semi" because even though I pretty much initiated the sex, I was not really romanced or seduced. And when that happens, I feel cheated, and have been known to back out of sex even at the last minute. Sorry guys, but you need to exhibit some romance. On this night, the romance was minimal, but I suppose just enough to continue.

Adding to the less-than-passionate night was the fact that he seemed locked in to the missionary position. As my readers know, I like to start on top, then change positions based on the situation. But I despise the missionary position, and try my best to always direct the activity to some other method. On this night, no matter what I tried, he seemed to be just as intent on being on top. And perhaps I was still stewing a bit from not being properly seduced, so I may have been less apt to fight for position at that point.

Anyway, he penetrated, and began thrusting, and I must admit that even being in that horrible missionary position, I was enjoying it. I love sex. And watching him thrust, and seeing the look on his face, well, he looked simply orgasmic from the moment he first penetrated. After about five minutes of thrusting, I was beginning to feel rather good. Until he farted. I didn't know what to do. I didn't smell anything, nor did he make any reference to it. He just kept thrusting away. After about four more minutes, he was ready to ejaculate. After the fart, I lost all passion, and did not even attempt to slow him down. And as he was ejaculating, he farted again. Sort of a repeat, trailing fart. One big one, and several small ones following. Again, he did not acknowledge them, and I remained silent as well. When we finished, we cuddled for a few moments, but I could not get the farting out of my mind. Honestly, I have farted during sex, but quietly. The one time it was heard by the guy, we acknowledged it, and the guy told me it was a total turn on, that we were so comfortable together. We even proceeded to talk dirty. This was several years ago. But the way we ignored this farting spell, it made me uncomfortable.

Just my luck, this also turns out to be the night the guy actually spends the night. When we were ready to sleep, I turned away and he spooned me. Again, a major turn-on any other time. I simply adore being spooned. But not this night. He spooned me for about twenty minutes, then must have gotten tired, and rolled over. Bad move. He farted several more times while he slept. Note I said "he" slept. I slept very little that night.

For several days after the incident, I tried to research the topic on the Internet. And it still freaked me out enough that I could not write a column about it until now. I do not think I would have minded the farting if he only acknowledged it. But the way he ignored it really gnawed at me, and I felt uncomfortable saying anything.

The Internet is severely lacking on feedback regarding farting during sex. The main things I found were a handful of people writing into advice columns with similar occurrences. The overwhelming popular opinion seemed to think that it is a natural bodily function, and that if it does happen, it should not be shameful. But in most cases, the farting was acknowledged by both parties, not ignored. Actually, I found more on the topic of "queefing," which is a vaginal fart of sorts. A fart-like sound that comes from the vagina, and often happens during sex. At least I have never queefed before!

Since the incident, I have talked to the guy several times, and we have never discussed the farting. And since then, I have decided if it ever happens again, that I will make sure it is discussed. Perhaps the next time a guy farts during sex, I will make a dirty comment about how much that turns me on. But I will make him (or her - smile) acknowledge it, and stress that it does not bother me. Likewise, if I ever fart again during sex, I will acknowledge in a similar way, telling them to see how much they are turning me on.

Since my column tries to perform a public service as well as entertain (smile), and many of you are no doubt asking yourselves what actually causes farting, here is a simple yet somewhat scientific explanation. 

What Causes Flatulence

While the Internet was little help, I'd be curious to hear if any readers have shared similar experiences. I'd also like to know how you dealt with it, and what you think the general feeling is toward this phenomenon. If the feedback is good, I'll follow-up the topic a bit next time. Until then...