Penis Haiku’s (Why I Love the Penis...)

(This CLASSIC SEX CRAP column first appeared @ E-Crap on 9/24/2002)

Look at vagina
I am oral by nature
Give me a penis

Experimental
I like a woman's body
But I love penis

Eyes closed during sex
But when using mouth and tongue
I'd lick a penis

* copyright Jenn and www.e-crap.com (September 2002)

Quick history for new readers: I am 99% heterosexual, with a 99% desire to be with another woman. I’ve been close, and hope to be a lot closer soon. End of history.

Here’s what happened...

Over the long Labor Day weekend, a male friend of mine sent me some Internet porn links. Well, sort of. It was a set of short porn videos. Some were as short as twenty seconds (or in other words, as short as my last sexual encounter), and one was about an hour long. They were too big to e-mail me, so he linked them for me off his website server. He wanted my opinions, and he thought I might enjoy them. I have been known to watch a good porn clip occasionally (smile).

The clips were both male/female and female/female. I checked out some of the male/female sex, and was only mildly turned on. I am more fascinated with women when watching porn. This is partly due to my pent up frustration in wanting to hold, kiss, lick, grope, caress, and admire another female body up close. However, more than that, I just find fascination in women who do this for money (notwithstanding the amateur videos, and the supposed "hidden camera" porn). Who are they? Where did they come from? Why are they doing this with strangers on film? Most are quite attractive, and truth be told, almost any of them could come to my office building and hand pick the guy they wanted. And some of these are six-figure guys, so they would never starve. And it would be an alternative, if money were the sole reason. Sometimes, I even go to porn websites to read more about the actresses and their backgrounds. Or, just watch the Howard Stern E show, since porn stars are frequent visitors.

When I started looking at the lesbian clips, one in particular began to do the trick. A young Asian gal and a blonde with hair down to her ass. Both of them, rolling around on the largest bed I have ever seen. Between the blonde’s hair flying all around, streaming all over the Asian’s girl’s body, and the Asian girl’s small but expressive breasts, I was enjoying it a bit too much.

Until they went to town.

The cameras got very close. Too close, actually. And when they started to perform oral on each other, the vagina close-ups were a bit disturbing to me. I half-watched the first gal do her thing, until they decided to change places. I’ve seen many vaginas before, but I thought maybe seeing the next girl would restore some of my vagina faith. Both girls were partly to mostly shaved (as I am), but the next girl was no better. Something about seeing the vagina that close just turned me off. I watched a few of the others, just to see more vagina, and I had a similar reaction.

Do not mistake my vagina concerns for not knowing what we women possess between our legs. I am fully aware that most men would beg, borrow, steal, even kill to get their hands (and their penises) on or in our vaginas. And the same goes for most lesbian and bisexual women. I am not underestimating the vagina, its power, or its functionality. I am only saying that as much as I am attracted to a woman’s body (the curves, the skin, the breasts, the neck, the hair, and so much more), I personally am not as attracted to the physical appearance of the vagina. And being very oral (which I am), I have a hard time thinking about putting my tongue and mouth there. And while oral is not everything, to me it is a very important part of the lovemaking, or sex. Sure, there are alternatives (such as the strap-on) but that activity takes away from the woman/woman feeling, which is part of the attraction.

Why the Penis Haiku’s?

Separately, all the vagina talk made me realize how much I adore the male penis. Come on people, look at both of them and tell me which you’d rather have your lips around or tongue inside (smile). I must admit, the first time I saw one, I was horrified! When I was younger, I never recalled seeing my dad naked (thankfully), and seeing pictures in porno magazines never did the penis justice. The day finally came when I was 16 and out on a date. He was on the football team and older (probably 17), so I guess he felt he had control over the girls he dated. We were in his parents’ basement, and they were not home. When we entered, he locked the door near the stairs and put on some music. On the couch, we started making out. Kissing, and a little light groping. He was touching my breasts through my blouse, and I was making sure my leg grazed his crotch now and then. Suddenly, he stood up, and took his shirt off. He looked good, at least for a 17-year-old. I was attracted to his chest and stomach. I started to get up to kiss him, when he gently pushed me back down, and told me to wait. Next thing I knew, his jeans were around his ankles, and soon after, the underwear followed! And out came the snake! Oh my, if I could have seen my own face! Next thing I knew, the snake was rattling (or so it sounded) and it was getting very close to my face. He was waving the thing like a conductor swings his baton! I turned away, more embarrassed than afraid, and buried my face in a pillow. Maybe if it had occurred a bit more romantically, but this would have been comical if it wasn’t 16-year-old me experiencing it! He asked me what was wrong, and I told him to put his pants back on – now! He did, and again asked what was wrong. I started to explain it to him as I headed for the locked door.

But that was then, and this is now. Since that frightful day, I have taken an extreme likeness to the penis, and I pride myself in knowing just the right places (and angles) to touch to make men squirm and fall madly in love (or at least lust) with me.

So guys, tell me what I should look for in a vagina! And what I can do to make myself like vaginas as much as I like penises! Meantime, I’ll keep doing what I do best.