Sexual Slang 101

Things you never learned in a high school classroom

(This CLASSIC SEX CRAP column first appeared @ E-Crap on 2/05/2002)

Last weekend, I actually lived the life of Carrie Bradshaw, for one day anyway. If you only recently started reading my weekly column, you might not know that "Sex and the City" is my favorite TV show, and Sarah Jessica-Parker's character (Carrie Bradshaw) has always been an inspiration (though I think it is because I love the show so much). 

Back to my story, I was out for a night on the town with a few female friends (yes, ladies night out). And as the night progressed from dinner, to a party, to Starbucks, and to an all night diner, I realized our foursome was indeed living the life of the foursome from "Sex and the City." And the thing that made me realize it was when while sitting in the diner at 3AM eating some sort of fried potato concoction, one of the gals started talking about a "golden shower" that she recently received! Being the worldly, street-smart, sex columnist, I knew what she was talking about and gave quite the smirk. But the reason for the smirk was that I was looking forward to calling her the next day to get more details so I could write about it! The other two gals had absolutely no clue what she was talking about. One just smiled and went on to something else. The other asked, and nearly choked on her food when she was told!

The next day, I decided not to call for the details, because I realized I had something more important to do for my readers. Namely, education! I do believe that there are readers out there who might not know what a "golden shower" is. And if you do not know what that is, how would you be expected to know what a "ham and cheese sandwich" is?

I decided to define a few of the terms that you may have heard on the Howard Stern show, but might have been afraid to ask anyone what they really meant. I'm also going to try to explain some of them as delicately as I can. Let's see how I do. And if this proves to be popular with the readers, you can be assured you'll see more in the coming weeks. Ready?

Golden Shower
Any method of urinating on your partner.

Ham and Cheese Sandwich
(How do I do this one delicately?) Okay, a man giving his female partner oral pleasure after he had the good fortune of ejaculating in and around said pleasure area. Apparently, you get a mix of various "samples" that form a substance all its own.

Hotdog in a Hallway
Much easier to skirt around. When having sexual intercourse, the man realizes that the woman has a rather wide sexual opening. So wide, in fact, that his penis is barely even touching any part of her. Equate this to a hotdog being thrown within a hallway.

The Bronco
My personal favorite. Some people might tell you that this is an expression used for a male with little sexual experience. He gets so excited, he starts humping like a wild bronco. Do not listen to them! The real slang nature of the term is related to a man who is partaking in doggy style sex with his female partner. Just as she begins to get very excited, the man grabs the woman's breasts, and calls out another woman's name. The woman gets so upset, she tries to fling the man off of her, hence creating the bronco analogy as he tries to "hang on."

Buttered Popcorn 
The man takes his woman to the movies (my favorite place to go. BTW, I saw "Gosford Park" last weekend and loved it). They buy a large popcorn, and as soon as the lights go down, the man makes a small hole in the bottom of the container. Quietly, the man then unzips and inserts his now erect penis through the bottom of the container. Eventually, she will find quite a surprise waiting for her at the bottom.

The Landshark
For all you Jimmy Buffett fans out there! Have the gal brace herself facing a wall, naked from the waist down with her legs spread and her ass protruding outward. The naked male partner walks across the room, making sure he is fully erect. He then proceeds to place his palms together and hold his arms over his head. This creates the image of a shark fin, and intensifies when he begins chanting the "Jaws" theme. When the gal gives the signal, the man charges her at full speed with his erect penis leading the way, ramming right into her waiting ass.